Beauty and the beast: Top Ten Beauty Products of the Noughties

I’m not going to claim that as a beauty editor people are constantly asking me what’s in my vanity case because that would be a total lie. However. Yesterday I saw Gemma’s Top Ten Beauty Products of the Noughties and I figured, I might do that too. Gemma’s is probably better but I’m dead excited because I set up a new wireless network all by myself and that’s floored me.

Liz Earle Cleanse & Polish, £12.50
This will come as no surprise to anyone I’ve ever had the misfortune to meet. Liz Earle should win every award on the planet, including perhaps an Oscar. This cleanser will change your life. I know that sounds a little hyperbolic but seriously, it’s the shit. It is the one beauty product I will buy if I can’t get my hands on it through work. It leaves your skin scrupulously clean, sorts out blackheads, spots, grease, dryness, redness, AIDS? I dunno about that last one, but if this doesn’t change your skin I will come round to yours and polish you to death with my array of muslin cloths.

Schwarzkopf Professional OSiS Dust It, £10.45
Time for more hyperbole. This is the best hair product I’ve ever used. In terms of styling, at least. It depends on what you want your hair to look like, but for me this creates precisely what I want: matte, Ronnie Spector, volume. Hair powders are huge at the moment but I’ve tried ’em all and still come back to this. Some don’t brush out and just flake up into white lumps which fall off your scalp (no names, no names), others don’t have sufficient hold. This does the lot.

Benefit One Hot Minute, £23.50
I love bronzer and TBH there are about ten that I use on a regular basis, but this one is my current favourite so it wins a spot. The brush that comes with it is piss poor so do away with that and use your regular bronzer brush. It gives your face a tan in one sweep with none of the muddiness you can get with cheaper bronzers. It also leaves you with a weird, subtle, glow so you look like you’re healthy even when you’re not, like me.

Bobbi Brown Body Shimmer Brick
This was limited edition but you can get it on eBay I guess. 2009 was the year I became obsessed with Bobbi Brown. I love MAC, I love tranny makeup, I love glitter. However, this was the year of Bobbi. Skintones for every shade on the planet, makeup that makes you look like yourself but better, natural but shit hot shades. Her facial shimmer bricks are bestsellers, but this year she released the shimmer brick for the body. My world stopped. It’s pretty expensive and the brush that goes with it is too but yegod, it’s worth it. Brush down your arms, legs, cleavage, whatevs and you look like you’ve come back from 6 months in Capri. Glowing, bronzed, somehow slimmer, all round sexual. I will cry when my stockpiled three run out.

W7 Liquid Eyeliner, £1.99
My usual eyeliner of choice is MAC Fluidline, but I have a total obsession with this too. I was always shit at liquid liner but something about this – the brush, the consistency, the length of the handle? – makes it piss easy to use. The colour is completely black, it stays in place forever and it’s fucking cheap. Everyone raves about Max Factor Define & Glide but whenever I’ve got it it’s dried out really quickly and does that kind of translucent black that you have to go over three times. This doesn’t. And it’s cheaper.

Barry M Dazzle Dust in Block Blue, £4.50
Everyone loves Barry M and everything they make is great. Let’s get that clear. This year they launched their first matte shades of their bestselling Dazzle Dusts and lo, how we rejoiced. I have five of these. I hoard things, I guess is what we’re learning. This is crazy bright, lasts all day and is exactly the colour it looks in the pot. How many eyeshadows can you actually say that about? Fuck all, that’s what.

Jo Malone Red Rose Cologne, £64
Not only does this raise money for Breast Cancer (buy it in October, you shits), it’s also my favourite fragrance of the decade. It lasts alllll day so you can ignore the price tag and just use a dab every day. The best and weirdest thing about this unabashedly feminine scent is that boys hate it and girls freak out about it. Whenever I wear it, girls follow me around and ask what it is. PRs kiss you hello and go mental until you tell them what it is. My mum is obsessed. Boys, howevs, say you smell like an old woman and/or pot pourri. But who cares about boys, right?

The Sanctuary Mela Body Butter, £7.99
As a general rule I use half a tub of body butter at a time to use up my squirrel-esque stash, but this one I use as sparingly as the northerner I am. The main ingredients are pistachio and rose which may not sound all that but together they make some kind of insane blend of heaven. On top of that, it works. It’s one of the thickest body butters I’ve ever used but still sinks in quick enough that you can get dressed again in a reasonable time. The smell lasts all day too; wear it with your Jo Malone and you’ll be as attractive to men as a hunchbacked nun.

MAC A Rose RomanceBlusher
Another limited edition one from this year, this blush probably gives you a further clue as to my taste. OMG flowers. Yeah this blusher is pretty to look at but you know what? It’s good too, so don’t judge me. It’s that perfect shade of pink that does genuinely look as natural as blusher is allegedly supposed to look. It appears to last forever too, as I use it daily and I’m still not getting anywhere.

MAC Snob Lipstick, £12
I wear lipstick every day of my life and as a general rule have about six in my handbag at any one time. Howevs, my favourite lipstick of the decade is definitely MAC Snob. This powdery pastel pink verges on frosted and I don’t imagine many people like it. Again, it won’t win you any points with the boys but again, who gives a shit? It’s so gross and pink and makes you feel like Gaga or something. Looks especially good with a pile of bronzer and my new lash extensions.

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